Beginning the search for the name of my Guardian Monster

It was late may of 2015,  close to memorial day weekend.  A weekend that indicated my Dad should be arriving to DIA from HOB (Denver from Houston).  My Dad had lived there since I was 12 years old.  He had moved to Houston for his Job,  he remarried and started a new family there (wife and two pre-owned kids).  My Dad tried to fly up to see all of his Grand kids every few month.  He always ensured he was here for this weekend so could take his grand kids to our families small cabin in the Rocky Mountains for an annual kids fishing tournament.

This was my dad’s annual plan and I was waiting for him to arrive.  The depression side of my guardian monster was in control.  I was so confused about what had transpired over the last few months.  How I quit and got fired from my job, how I spent almost $100,000 in a few months.  Why my house was torn apart.  My monster had turned my guilt, sadness and embarrassment settings to their highest settings.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Sleep could allow me to escape my current reality.  Sleep limited the possibility of having to confess everything I had done.  Sleep stopped my monster from relentlessly telling me to kill my self.

When my Dad arrived at my house,  he could tell something was wrong.  He tried to ask me several time if I was okay.  I could not bring myself to tell him what I had done.  It took him 2 or 3 days of asking.  I finally broke down,  I burst into tears.  I told my dad everything.  I told him about the spending, about the cars, about my job and everything else.  He got me an appointment with my doctor as soon as he could.

After seeing my primary care doctor and getting a prescription for an antidepressant.  The depression was obvious and

At first, I denied it.  I refused to look into my monsters eyes.  I would not peer into the cave where my monster lives.  I found myself sitting in the corner of a small French bistro with my father and an old family friend.Her name is Connie.  She in her late 60’s,  she has an amazing soul.  You can feel her warmth when you are near her.  A calm quite peace is present in her.  You can tell that Connie has been though some serious shit.  She had already walked down the darkened path and emerged to the other side.  She has dedicated her life to working as a psychiatric nurse.  Helping people with mental illness. She was a very old family friend.  I had not seen her in at least 30 years.  My dad had called her for help.  He was way in over his head and did not know where to turn.  This was no normal bout of depression he was dealing with,  this was another animal entirely.  His 38 year old son was not okay.

A few weeks earlier had arrived to find his only son who was going through a divorce had crashed and burned.

This Writing is to be continued…


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